ranking final destination deaths by how much they did NOT deserve to go that way omg

what started as a relatively straightforward supernatural horror that gave me a very healthy fear of Death eventually became, dare I say, a source of genuine comfort <3

editor’s note: first published by lia on junkee.com in partnership w Warner Bros. Pictures!!

Before you lock me up in an asylum like Clear in Final Destination 2, take a moment and please consider the bold legacy that Final Destination has built. Every movie follows a similar formula, with a slight twist to spice up Death’s relentless, but somehow respectable, pursuit to restore the balance. This guy has a job to do, and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t get it done.

Now, after five movies of five freak disasters with even freakier demises, and a sixth one on the way, it’s become a guilty pleasure to see just how Death gets it done. Gone is that sweet summer child who fretted over every little potential deathtrap for our on-screen friends. Welcome to the heathen that eagerly awaits all the gloriously creative ways these fools meet their timely ends and then morbidly ranks them on the internet. So with Final Destination: Bloodlines hitting cinemas on May 15(!), it’s time to honour the legacy of those who came before.

By the way, this ranking won’t include every single death, like those who were blessed with a comparatively swift and somewhat normal exit from this world. No, we’re talking specifically about the ones where Death was really gunning for employee of the month. And while they were entertaining AF, the ones that really got me stressed were the poor souls who did not deserve their brutal fates. At least there were plenty who did, though. We’ll start there.

20. The Racist (The Final Destination)

Far from the “best” death of the franchise, but one that felt like a victimless crime TBH. Literally credited as “The Racist” in The Final Destination, this character got dragged by his own tow truck and blown up. Great way to start this list.

19. Asia’s revenge (Isaac, Final Destination 5)

Mess with Asian stereotypes and they’ll mess with you right back. Acupuncture, incense, and Buddha himself joined forces to guide Isaac into the afterlife. This could’ve been worse and it would still be high on this list. Sorry Isaac, but you were an asshole!

18. Frankie my dear, I don’t give a damn (Frankie, Final Destination 3)

As soon as Frankie took that upskirt pic, he was dead to me. Luckily his on-screen death came swiftly and unexpectedly as the driverless truck that threatened to take out Wendy and Kevin shoved a fan through Frankie’s head in a drive-through.

17. Get wrenched, Dennis (Dennis, Final Destination 5)

I spent all of Final Destination 5 wondering how Dennis was going to cark it and boy was it worth it.

16. You either die a hero… (Peter, Final Destination 5)

Thank you for your addition to the beloved Kitchen Fight Sequence canon, Peter, but this is not an action movie and you are not the hero. Solid effort, but Death found you in the end.

15. Or live long enough to see yourself become the villain (Ian, Final Destination 3)

Ian served as a great antagonist in Final Destination 3, which is a tall order considering you’re up against Death itself. A solid squish to end his run for Death’s money.

14. Littering is a crime (Evan, Final Destination 2)

I can excuse being a douchebag, but I draw the line at public littering. After enjoying the spoils of winning the lottery for about two seconds, Evan makes the fatal error of chucking his spaghetti straight out the window onto the street and causing a complex chain of events that leads to getting a fire escape ladder rammed straight through his eye. It was as entertaining as it was satisfying.

13. Cancelling my gym membership (Lewis, Final Destination 3)

I honestly believe this scene turned me off exercising at the gym for years. Not only because of Lewis’ magnificently dramatic head-squishing death, but also because of all that frighteningly masculine beefcake energy through the whole ordeal. Yelling “Fuck death” as your friends try to warn you about its relentless pursuit? You had it coming, Lewis.

12. LMAO (Hunt, The Final Destination)

This was rough AF, sorry Hunt. But getting disemboweled by a country club swimming pool jet surely had Death laughing their ass off.

11. Everyone from the first Final Destination, especially Tod

Cheating a little by lumping all the crazy deaths from the grand origin of the franchise. As the deaths got kookier and characters more unlikeable, I find myself looking fondly at the original deaths of the franchise and the delicate balance it achieved between the shocking deaths and those that met it. RIP to a real one.

10. That’s not what tampons are for (Samantha, The Final Destination)

All for normalising periods, but making your kids wear tampons in lieu of ear plugs is kind of diabolical. Not deserving a rock through the skull after escaping the hairdresser of nightmares, for sure. But some forward planning would’ve helped here.

9. Questioning my faith in safety protocols (Kat, Final Destination 2)

An EMT setting off the airbag that forces a sharp pipe in the back of Kat’s head as she was in the process of being rescued? Way to take advantage of my overwhelming faith in healthcare professionals and prevent me from ever truly feeling safe.

8. Exploding BBQ kid (Brian, Final Destination 2)

Who makes the youngest kid man the BBQ? Hilarious way to go.

7. Nail gun safety (Erin, Final Destination 3)

What happened to the good old fashioned hammer and nail? And who leaves a goddamn nail gun lying around like that? Erin deserved better.

6. Mama, a man with hooks behind you (Nora, Final Destination 2)

Poor thing just lost her son and now there’s this weird man smelling her hair and kicking off everyone’s deepest elevator nightmare? She did not deserve this at all.

5. I’d rather wear glasses, thanks (Olivia, Final Destination 5)

Given the anecdotes about being able to smell your corneas during a LASIK procedure, they did not need to be doing all this to make me think really hard about whether I ever want that laser near my eyes. Also if a doctor just waltzes out the door with my eyes propped open and my head completely trapped, I will become an instant Karen and call the manager.

4. Thank you Rory for teaching me the word “trisected” (Rory, Final Destination 2)

I think this is when the franchise cemented itself in my brain as one that would keep me guessing ’til the end. One of the best characters of the franchise and what a way to go.

3. Tanning is skin cells in trauma (Ashley and Ashlyn, Final Destination 3)

Thanks to one of the most effective public health campaigns out there, I doubt you’ll catch any Australian in a tanning bed. Still, Ashley and Ashlyn did not deserve to be roasted alive just because they wanted to look extra tan for their graduation! Some grim irony if you think about it, since Death was definitely still coming for them if they kept that habit up.

2. His only crime is being BORN? (Final Destination: Bloodlines)

After watching the trailer, I’ve decided Final Destination: Bloodlines looks particularly cooked. Legit no one is safe this time round — those who cheated Death decades ago and think they’re in the clear actually go on to pass the curse to their descendants, who, by extension, shouldn’t be alive. Yep, rather than Death taking out the person who should have died in the original accident, enough time has passed for people to have entire families who apparently love a backyard BBQ and hate safety precautions. Which means whoever carks it from this gauntlet of backyard hazards (and my money’s on the dude with the lawnmower headed straight for his head) does nothing to deserve their fate other than being born. Talk about blaming your parents for childhood trauma…

1. This is why you listen to gymnasts if they get the twisties (Candice, Final Destination 5)

Respect the twisties. Simone Biles caused a ruckus when she pulled out of several events at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics citing the “twisties”: a mental block that affects twisting elements in particular gymnastic skills. Obviously Candice’s mislanding is a little hammed up for the movie, but I guarantee that scene gave every athlete an ice-cold chill down their spine as they watched Candace snap hers. Good god.

editor’s note: first published by lia on junkee.com in partnership w Warner Bros. Pictures